After America
by Catherine Spark
Summary: In the final episode of the TV show, Ted is offered work in America with Father Buzz Cagney. He accepts, but cannot tell Mrs Doyle, Dougal and Jack that they won't be coming. In the end, he gets on the plane, leaving them waiting in the airport, but changes his mind at following the mention of gangs and drive-by shootings. This story picks up where the TV series left off.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Usually I write in a more elaborate style than this, which feels like I am skimming over the surface, but the TV show's format is simple in language and snappy in style, so I am copying that._

"Ah yes, Ted," says Dougal, pushing the loaded luggage trolley towards the airport doors, "You're here to stay. With me and Mrs Doyle and Jack. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…"

When they get back to Craggy Island Parochial house they find it just as they left it – absolutely gutted of furniture.

"DRINK!" screams Father Jack and rushes off. He clatters up the stairs continuing to scream "DRINK!" Minutes later he clatters back down again and into the living room, looking confused and murderous.

Ted turns to Mrs Doyle. "Er…Mrs Doyle?" he says, "When they collected the furniture for burning, did they say when they were burning it, exactly?"

"Well, no, Father," she admits, looking up at the ceiling in thought. A spider drops onto Father Jack's head. He looks at it.

"So…so it might not be burned just yet?"

"I suppose not."

"Who did you give it to?"

"Father Larry Duff. He was doing a Thing there, and he said he needed lots of wood and other things to burn, so I thought it would be just perfect. I'm sure it'll all be tremendous fun!"

"You got through to him?!" Before she can answer, Ted whips out his mobile phone and dials Larry's number.

Out in a lonely field a crowd of people stands around a big stack of furniture. The bottom is piled with cellulite throws and other very flammable objects. The whole thing is drenched in Jack's stash of alcohol. Father Larry Duff balances precariously on a stepladder, a match lit at the ready. Just then, his phone goes off. Larry jumps in surprise. The step ladder wobbles and falls backwards, as Larry falls forward. The match drops and there is a WUMPH of eager flames.

"Oh no, no, no, he's not picking up!"

"Wait," says Mrs Doyle, "I think I know where he said he was going to take them!"

Frantically, Ted chorales Dougal and Mrs Doyle into helping him tie a yelling Jack into his wheelchair. Then he wheels him out to the front of the house. Ted, Dougal and Mrs Doyle get into the car. Then Dougal asks how they'll get Jack into the car, as it isn't wheelchair accessible. Ted shouts a few curses, and they all get out of the car again. After an interminable run all the way to the cliffs and then inland some, they stop at a row of thick gorse and, with much 'owing' and 'ah-ing' they push their way through. A large field borders another large field, which is blocked from view by a line of trees. From behind these trees comes the smell of acrid bonfire smoke, and a large column of black smoke rises into the air.

Nobody says anything – they are still trying to catch their breath, except for Dougal who, as usual, seems impervious to pain and exhaustion, and Jack, who has been given a free ride. Ted clutches his side with one hand, and face-palms with the other.

They arrive back at the house after dark.

"God, Ted, you look awful," says Dougal. He does. He can't catch his breath, and his face is sweaty and white and lined with pain.

"Well, there's one thing we can still do, no matter WHAT the conditions," says Mrs Doyle, with a smug grin. "We can all have a lovely cup of tea!"

"Mrs Doyle," Ted reminds her, seeming to recover somewhat. "There's no teabags."

Her face falls.

"And no tea pot either," says Dougal.

Mrs Doyle looks as if she has been punched.

"Quiet Dougal," hisses Ted, and the winces again.

"I was just saying there's no tea pot," Dougal protests, wide-eyed. "And no tray and no trolley and no milk jug and no sugar bowl and no teaspoons and no cups and no saucers…"

As he speaks, Mrs Doyle slowly crumples into silent hysterics and totters out of the room. "She's taking that a bit hard, Ted," remarks Dougal.

"Look. What. You. Did." Ted has a dangerous gleam in his eye.

"Ah Ted, she'll be fine. Stop worrying."

"Go and apologise!"

Dougal gives an exasperated sigh and disappears out of the room. Then he comes back in again. "Er, Ted?"

"What?"

"Ted, I can't find her. And the front door is open."

"Great. Brilliant. So who's going to do the cooking and cleaning now?"

Upstairs, Ted and Dougal lie where their beds would be, fully clothed, on the cold, hard floor.

"Ted?" says Dougal.

"Dougal, try and get some sleep," mutters an exhausted Ted. He's not feeling at all well, but the last thing he needs is a protracted and repetitive conversation about it with Dougal.

"She'll be back, won't she…?"

Ted turns to look pointedly at Dougal.

Dougal looks back, blankly. "Won't she?"


	2. Chapter 2

Despite the barren room and the hard surface, Dougal sleeps soundly. In the morning, the room is full of grey light.

"Lovely out," he remarks. Thunder clouds loom and on the horizon, lightning flashes. He stands up and stretches. "What'll we do today Ted? God it's early," he adds, looking at his watch, "It's only…it's only…" he squints, trying to remember which one is the big hand and which is the small one, and what it means when each of them points to the little numbers around the edges. That's Ted's thing, really.

"Ted? This hand is pointing to the eleven and that one's pointing to the three. What does that mean?" Ted doesn't answer. Dougal gives him a shake. He doesn't move. "OK. Never mind," Dougal shrugs. "I'll see if Jack's around." He creeps through to Jack's room, feeling naughty. He's been told several times that he must never, never, never wake Jack up before twelve O'clock, and only then, with Ted's permission. Jack is not there.

"Must have gone out," says Dougal, and goes downstairs to unpack the suitcases. He finds Jack slumped in a corner of the living room snoring, several empty alcohol bottles all around him. The suitcases are already ransacked. Mostly clothes, but in amongst them he finds a children's bible, a fluff-covered toothbrush, his He-Man bed-spread, his tartan pyjamas, his night T-shirt, some shaving foam, an electric razor, a comb, _Tek Wars_ , _The Shining_ , _So You're a Priest Who's Going to America_ , a few board games including Ludo and Buckaroo, a video tape of _Jaws,_ a wallet full of dollars, and a pair of very very very very very very very dark blue socks.

"Won't be getting much breakfast out of that lot," says Dougal, starting to panic. He glances at Jack. Jack has two extra sets of arms, three extra sets of eyes, and has grown thick black hair all over his body. Dougal gives a yell, backs away and blinks, and Jacks goes back to his normal self. Must be the hunger.

"Ted? I want my breakfast and Mrs Doyle's not here." Ted's mouth gapes open. "Ted," he shakes him. Ted is stone cold. "Ted? You're not dead too now, are you?" He waits for a confirmation or denial. "If you're not dead, stand up." He waits. "Fair enough." He picks up the phone to call Doctor Sinnott. It rings two times.

"Hello, Craggy Island General Practitioner's," says Doctor Sinnott.

"Er, no, this is Craggy Island Parochial House," says Dougal.

"Yes, that's what I meant. Is it Jack?"

"No, it's Dougal here. Jack's fine. But Mrs Doyle's disappeared I think Ted's dead."

There is a sharp intake of breath. "Are…are you _sure_?"

"Yes, I think so. I didn't see her when I went downstairs this morning anyway."

"I meant _Ted._ Are you sure he's dead?"

"Oh, right. Yes, I can't see any empty floor polish bottles, but he looks pretty dead to me."

"Have you done any tests?"

"I asked him to get up if he wasn't dead, and he didn't get up."

"Er, right. Stay there. I'll be round soon."

"OK, and bring breakfast. Bring jam. I haven't had anything yet and there's nothing in the fridge because there's no fridge."

There is a click as the phone is replaced on the other end. Whistling, Dougal throws down the receiver, opens the windows and crosses the room to go downstairs and carry on unpacking the suitcases while he waits.

Doctor Dinnott arrives just after the clock strikes one. It takes Dougal a minute to remember that Mrs Doyle isn't there, and that he is going to have to answer the door.

"Did you bring jam?"

He has brought it, and Dougal digs the it out of the jar with his fingers while he watches Doctor Dinnott listen to Ted's heart with the Magic Stethoscope. He hopes Ted is dead, just for now, because he knows that eating jam for breakfast straight from the jar is against the rules – not to mention without a spoon. He still remembers Ted's reaction to him trying to lap up his soup in front of Sister Maria. It's the only time he's ever run away alone, and even then he came back before it got too dark.

"Father, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but he's dead."

Dougal licks the jam off each of his fingers before answering. "Is he? Fair enough, so." He starts to leave the room.

"Do you not want me to call someone?"

"Why?"

"Well…he's dead."

"Ach, don't worry. Maybe he'll look better in the morning."

"He's _dead,_ Father."

"Well…two mornings then. I mean, Jack was dead and look at him now – he's fine!"

"Yeees, where is he?"

"On the floor in the kitchen." As he speaks there is an indistinct crash and a shout from downstairs.

The doctor looks around the empty room. "I think I'm going to…I think I might just call someone."


End file.
